Eliza. Simple
But who am I really?
A teenager. No, a Christian teenage girl. A Christian teenage girl who loves God, music and art. A clever girl. A strange girl.
Who's not perfect. Who can't socialise. Who can't fit in.
It's funny to imagine how others look at me. I find that often, others assume that my Christian life is perfect. They look at me and think "Wow. She's got it all sorted."
"Confident, intelligent and talented. I bet she doesn't bother with anyone else. I bet she's stuck-up."
This is so untrue.
Sure, I haven't 'backslidden' or rebelled tremendously. Yes, I am quite smart and I do have my talents. That's all good but I see so much missing in myself.
I'm rather eloquent in public speaking. It's a little scary but I enjoy it. However, as much as I can talk to people, I find it exceedingly difficult to talk with people. Most people don't realise it and it wasn't until rather recent years but I am rather shy. Only me and my Mum can really see it in it's entirety. People often see my quietness as being stuck-up or rude. Like I don't think they deserve to talk to me.
Actually, I often feel I don't deserve to talk to them because the people I can talk comfortably with often hear me spurt out some ridiculous or awful comment.
I have few "people skills." Throughout my life loneliness was always something I craved, particularly at school.
I am FLAWED. I am WEAK.
I am not worthy.
No matter how much I try or how many compliments I get, I find it hard to get over this major flaw. I see so many girls my age laughing and socialising with such ease that I often ask God,
"Why can't I be like that?"
However, in a way, that's like me slapping God across the face and shouting, "You're making me wrong! Make me better!"
My desire for time alone is a lonely feeling, but it's helping me through these years where it is so easy to be swayed by others from where God wants me. My introverted/confident nature has kept me from being anyone else but myself. Popularity was never a desire for me and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I may feel awkward and things may seem hard but someday, perhaps years from now, I'll break out of this personality phase and start to be the confident leader and woman of God that He wants me to be.
I know that God loves me.
I know I have a purpose.
God will FORGIVE my FLAWS.
God will make me STRONG.
God doesn't need me to be worthy of anything.
Who am I?
God's servant.
That's all I need to be.
